painful.. patience..

I find that as days go on I am relying more and more on food and shopping as my comfort. I’m trying so hard to have both not get out of hand but I feel that having that as a problem is 10 times better than turning to cigarettes. My newfound love is the Forever 21 store and I’m so happy that there is one not even 5 minutes away from my house. I have unconsciously made trips there at least once a week if not more. There’s a young oriental guy who works there and somehow he always says hi to me. I’d like to think he has a crush on me. Is it wrong to want attention from another guy when your married? When you’re trying to work on your marriage? It’s not like I want a relationship with him but I won’t lie when I say it’s the highlight of my day when he notices me. I know its their job to say how are you doing and if we are finding everything okay while shopping but It still makes me happy inside  whenever he comes up to me and I catch his eye..  After all the unhappiness I’ve been dealing with the past few months I think yes, that’s a guilty pleasure I can live with.

Never Alone by *cooledition on deviantART

The whole month of July since the incident between Gojira and I has been an emotional rollercoaster and it continues to be now that we have fallen into August. (We have been living separately and seeking counseling after a domestic violence incident.) I’m trying so hard to be focused and clear headed but its very hard to deal with everyone else’s emotions and reactions surrounding me. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.. being alone and depressed or being surrounded by family and stressed.. its a lot of juggling i have to do but i know they all mean well and care very much for me. Now with 3 or 4 sessions of therapy in my backpocket i really really have found the confidence to actually speak out and talk about my problems and issues I’ve had buried for years and years. It has opened my eyes to my tendencies and why I have habits and have behaved in certain ways over the years. It has also helped me gain different perspectives on the situation that I had not considered before.  I’m not ashamed anymore taking my friends into confidence and telling them about the situation and it has really helped me feel comforted and assured. I’m hoping that I can move forward from this episode with grace and that I have no more pitfalls to encounter. I know he loves me and I love him. But if you’re old enough you will realize. Love just isn’t enough.. you have to respect each other and look at it from a logical point of view. If it’s just not working u have to stop ramming your head into the wall.. because then you the only sane person left will stop functioning too.. i guess thats a gross way of looking at it :/ but I’m just hoping Gojira can lift himself from the muck and be a better man for himself, then for me and in turn I can also work on my confidence and happiness through the sessions I’ve been having with my counselor.. sigh.. wish life was a lot more easier..

ugh

I hate when I have to update a lot when I’ve been too lazy or busy to write. I know sure there’s no one forcing me to write everything but I feel like this is my little recount on life and I owe it to myself to atleast summarize what I’ve missed out on writing even if its not play-by-play details… sigh…. It’s funny… cuz I’ve had blogs in the past… and I ended them because I felt no one was commenting or reading them.. I wrote for all the wrong reasons back then… I was honestly a totally different person back then as well. I should have written for myself and not cared whether everyone read it or no one read it… I guess that’s what I do now… hmmm… I know theres some who comment and read this when they get the time… and i definitely appreciate the comments when I get them… but these days it doesnt make me feel bad if no one reads it… It’s just for me… hmmm… well to give u a lil summary of stuff I’ve missed out on… I’m still working at the same company as before… but now I work from home at approximately half the salary… It works out much better. save a lot of cash now that I dont have to travel across town to get to work… I dont have to see the bitches and dickheads from work and deal with them… I get to get up when I want and work when I want. The deal is I gotta submit two articles everyday… I’m hoping to pick up one more freelancing job so I make enough cash as I was before… I also get to spend a lot more time with family so its pretty cool… hmmm … wut else… well I’d been meaning to finish reading my boyfriend’s blog for the longest time. I’d finished reading 2005 and 2007 like a month ago and 2008-9 were pending… So anyways today’s Thursday so he usually goes out every Thursday and has a boy’s night barbecue with his friends so I thought I would sit and finish reading it… so I did. It was such a good read.. felt like what I did after finishing the Twilight series (Oh, man that was amazing…. I want more!!!) lol… cheesy I know but it’s true… I think he’d make some serious mad money if he wrote a book or something… hmmm…. Man, the time is gonna fly by fast now…. I can feel it… in my blood. in my veins…. its like instinct or something… just like how the birds just frickin know when to  fly south for the winter… well atleast the birds in the US do that… I donno bout these desi birds whether they fly somewhere for hmmm… maybe monsoon? oh well. who cares…

it honestly feels good to write on my blog after so long… I’m excited… I dont want to jinx anything but I feel so comfortable where I am right now in life. Sure I want things to move in due course… so I can be happy with my boyfriend… hopefully married soon and all that… but even though I’m absolutely dying to have that… to wake up every morning and see his face next to mine… wake up…cook for him… take care of him… have his babies… and the whole works… I’m STILL happy where I am right now… it’s weird because I don’t think I’ve ever been happy at this stage in my life… I’ve just been fucking depressed… so low…. not human for the past 3 yrs??? its hard to explain… but this is the first time Ive taken things slow… taken the time to speculate where I’m going in life and myself so I can be a healthy individual and happy with who I am… I don’t think I’ve ever done that before in my life… it’s insane….it’s weird… its almost like skipping a grade and then wondering what’s missing… or running before you learn how to stop or walk and then crashing into a wall… So now I’m finally learning to walk and stop and take a look at my life… and it feels so good…. its not all a breeze in the park I tell you… There are days where I am cringing and hurting and frustrated and tired…. but its easier to manage now because I’m learning more about myself… I think I never would have learned all this if it wasnt for K… hmmm….he means everything to me…  I think I’m done rambling… It was a good ramble though…. will write more when I feel a bit more clear… loll… bed time for moi…. this light is turned off…

Currently listening to
Walking in the Air
By Nightwish