painful.. patience..

I find that as days go on I am relying more and more on food and shopping as my comfort. I’m trying so hard to have both not get out of hand but I feel that having that as a problem is 10 times better than turning to cigarettes. My newfound love is the Forever 21 store and I’m so happy that there is one not even 5 minutes away from my house. I have unconsciously made trips there at least once a week if not more. There’s a young oriental guy who works there and somehow he always says hi to me. I’d like to think he has a crush on me. Is it wrong to want attention from another guy when your married? When you’re trying to work on your marriage? It’s not like I want a relationship with him but I won’t lie when I say it’s the highlight of my day when he notices me. I know its their job to say how are you doing and if we are finding everything okay while shopping but It still makes me happy inside  whenever he comes up to me and I catch his eye..  After all the unhappiness I’ve been dealing with the past few months I think yes, that’s a guilty pleasure I can live with.

Never Alone by *cooledition on deviantART

The whole month of July since the incident between Gojira and I has been an emotional rollercoaster and it continues to be now that we have fallen into August. (We have been living separately and seeking counseling after a domestic violence incident.) I’m trying so hard to be focused and clear headed but its very hard to deal with everyone else’s emotions and reactions surrounding me. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.. being alone and depressed or being surrounded by family and stressed.. its a lot of juggling i have to do but i know they all mean well and care very much for me. Now with 3 or 4 sessions of therapy in my backpocket i really really have found the confidence to actually speak out and talk about my problems and issues I’ve had buried for years and years. It has opened my eyes to my tendencies and why I have habits and have behaved in certain ways over the years. It has also helped me gain different perspectives on the situation that I had not considered before.  I’m not ashamed anymore taking my friends into confidence and telling them about the situation and it has really helped me feel comforted and assured. I’m hoping that I can move forward from this episode with grace and that I have no more pitfalls to encounter. I know he loves me and I love him. But if you’re old enough you will realize. Love just isn’t enough.. you have to respect each other and look at it from a logical point of view. If it’s just not working u have to stop ramming your head into the wall.. because then you the only sane person left will stop functioning too.. i guess thats a gross way of looking at it :/ but I’m just hoping Gojira can lift himself from the muck and be a better man for himself, then for me and in turn I can also work on my confidence and happiness through the sessions I’ve been having with my counselor.. sigh.. wish life was a lot more easier..

the prettiest thing he said to me the other day..

maybe for most people this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal or anything out of the ordinary, but this meant a lot to me. I can’t think of a better way for the man i love to say those 3 words without actually saying those 3 words.. just took my breath away… <3

Gojira: I’m alone.
I’m lonely.
I like being that way…
Me:  k.
Gojira: And u compliment that nature of mine.
I know u wont get bored of me…

3 words… <3

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=7877932&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1

I met a guy at the club,
I let him know I’m love,

I met a girl at the bar,
I let her know who you are.

I told her you are the love of my life and,
One day your gonna be my wife.
We are gonna have some babies together.

I told him you are the man of my dreams,
You saved me from drowning in the streams
And I know were gonna last forever. (and ever)

It was those 3 words that saved my life.
Its wasnt complicated, wasn’t pre-meditated.
It wasn’t under-rated, boy i’m so glad you stayed and..

It was those 3 words that saved my life.
It wasnt complicated, wasn’t pre-meditated.
To you I’m dedicated.
Lets go ahead and say it…

I love you…
I love you…
I love you…
You are the love of my life. (my life – my life)

I love you…
I love you…

I love you…
You are the love of my life. (my life )

You know your holin’ my heart,
Can’t nothing tear us apart?

You know i’m so in love with you,
Can’t nothing tear us apart? No.

I said I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U, I’m so into you girl,

She said M-E-T-O-O,
Its obvious i’m so into you boy,
So why don’t we, (we)
Hold (hold) on (on) for (to) love (love).
Through the ups and downs,
Never let go.
Holdin’ on forever never let go.
It all started with…

3 words that saved my life.
It wasnt complicated, It wasnt complicated, It wasnt complicated, It wasnt complicated

Baby its those 3 words that saved my life…

I love you…
I love you…
I love you…
You are the love of my life. (my life )

I love you…
I love you…
I love you…

—-Gojira sent this song to me… <3 Oh and girls… fairytale romances do exist. I had stopped believing they could. I thought fairytale romance was like growing up and coming to terms that Santa doesn’t exist…But i was wrong and I’m glad I was wrong for once. I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight… This light is turned off…

Who is your role model? Why?

When I was 3 my role model was …

My Dad. He had a lot of free time to spend with me because he was a college professor and he usually worked evenings and had whole summers off. He used to do my hair every morning, teach me interesting things about science and math, cut my barbie’s hair when I wanted to, everything a little girl could ever ask for. When I was in preschool, I used to see all the kids running to their moms screaming “Mooooooommmmyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!” when they came to pick them up. my dad was the only father who used to come to pick their kid up from preschool. Not knowing any better I used to run to him screaming “Mommmmmmmmmyyyyyy!!!!” too..

When I was 23 my role model was…

My mom. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and she was so strong for fighting against it. She went through all the chemo and radiation with strength bravery and optimism. She has been cancer free for the last 5 years.

Today at 27 my role model is…

My boyfriend. yeah I know it may sound corny and typical. But my boyfriend will hopefully be my fiance by the end of the year if things go as planned. He has taken the time not only to care for me but to bother what I think of myself and help me become a better person. He has taught me that it’s okay to think about myself first before thinking about others which I don’t do enough of. And he is the first person that has made me accustomed with the feeling of being alone. He said to me, I want you to learn to be happy on your own so you will never have to depend on anyone else for your happiness. I used to make myself ill feeling alone because I hated the feeling. I would get restless and depressed and it would make my skin crawl. To avoid that feeling and in my desperate attempt not to feel that way I would not treat myself right and hang out with all the wrong people. He’s my gojira… and yeah (another cliche coming your way…) I do love him… This light is turned off…

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Currently listening to Shattered
The Trucks
By The Trucks

gojira lowes me… <3

<3 well today’s the day he said i love you and whole heartedly meant it.. for the first time… my gojira loves me…

this light is turned off..

Currently listening to Down ft. Lil Wayne
All or Nothing
By Jay Sean

fear of doctors..

I’m feeling so low today… Tomorrow I have to go with my aunt who is getting a curretine done. A curretine is a surgical procedure where a female patient is given anesthetic and the lining of her uterus is scraped. My aunt is almost touching 70 yrs old.. I think it’s the Indian mentality and her generation that is scared of doctors that has gotten her into this mess.. They don’t like seeing doctors… They don’t believe in checkups… They stay away from hospitals unless its absolutely necessary.. Apparently she went for a checkup finally and she had been keeping mum about the fact that she was spotting for over a year… She finally told the doctor but the doctor feels she’s actually probably spotted for somewhere close to 3 or 4 years. This is not a good symptom to have for a woman above 60… and then to suffer from it for a couple of years is just horrifying to think about… Spotting is usually a sign of a cyst.. My cousin’s friend who’s above 40 recently suffered from spotting and had to get a hysterectomy to get her uterus removed.. To think my aunt has been quietly sitting on this condition for years just blows my mind..

She’s so used to keeping quiet and suffering whatever befalls her… she’s conditioned herself to do that and so now she’s actually probably sealed her fate… If its cancerous it could have spread quite a bit… If she had spoken earlier there are so many procedures that can remove the cancer and give her more healthy years of her life… I don’t know what to think at this moment… 2 out of the 3 doctors have said its most probably malignant. Only after the curretine is done and sent to be analysed will they find out if its malignant or not. I told my mom about it who’s a breast cancer survivor. She said the symptoms don’t sound good and she’s probably got 3 to 6 months to live…  I don’t want to think negative but its sad and scary to think about what can happen if we ignore our health or what our body is trying to tell us when there’s something wrong.. I’m just praying she doesn’t suffer and we have good news… some miracle… My aunt is not a happy person… I’ve noticed it for some years now… she’s the type of person who forces herself to step out of the house to get the weekly groceries… but she hates it… she hates stepping out of the house… she has not enthusiasm left for life… everything is stressful… always in a cranky uptight mood… always tired…. its really sad that she’s not enjoying life… i feel bad for her actually… This is the woman who took care of me my first year I was born… Like a mother… My parents adopted me from Mumbai when I was 10 days old and according to legalities they couldn’t take me to the US until a year had passed… My parents had jobs to get back to so they left me in the care of my aunt… At the time my cousin was in college and she used to play with me and creep into my room and watch me sleep in my crib, and take me for walks in my pram… I think this is the reason I am so close to my cousin… After a year went by my parents came to take me… my cousin told me last year that when they took me she was so used to caring for me and loving me as a baby that she literally had a nervous breakdown after I went to the US… She cares about me a lot I guess even though she doesn’t show her love…Even my cousin has told me that my aunt (her mom) has never shown love in the ways that are expected… She’s never given kisses or hugs like other moms, or been affectionate as such… She’s uncomfortable getting touchy feely… But I know she does love even though she doesn’t show it.. my cousin agrees with me that she shows her love to all of us through her food.. she is a great cook… and loves cooking for family… I just hope that everything turns out ok… sigh… this light is turned off..

Currently listening to Dying Wish
Silent Enigma
By Anathema

ugh

I hate when I have to update a lot when I’ve been too lazy or busy to write. I know sure there’s no one forcing me to write everything but I feel like this is my little recount on life and I owe it to myself to atleast summarize what I’ve missed out on writing even if its not play-by-play details… sigh…. It’s funny… cuz I’ve had blogs in the past… and I ended them because I felt no one was commenting or reading them.. I wrote for all the wrong reasons back then… I was honestly a totally different person back then as well. I should have written for myself and not cared whether everyone read it or no one read it… I guess that’s what I do now… hmmm… I know theres some who comment and read this when they get the time… and i definitely appreciate the comments when I get them… but these days it doesnt make me feel bad if no one reads it… It’s just for me… hmmm… well to give u a lil summary of stuff I’ve missed out on… I’m still working at the same company as before… but now I work from home at approximately half the salary… It works out much better. save a lot of cash now that I dont have to travel across town to get to work… I dont have to see the bitches and dickheads from work and deal with them… I get to get up when I want and work when I want. The deal is I gotta submit two articles everyday… I’m hoping to pick up one more freelancing job so I make enough cash as I was before… I also get to spend a lot more time with family so its pretty cool… hmmm … wut else… well I’d been meaning to finish reading my boyfriend’s blog for the longest time. I’d finished reading 2005 and 2007 like a month ago and 2008-9 were pending… So anyways today’s Thursday so he usually goes out every Thursday and has a boy’s night barbecue with his friends so I thought I would sit and finish reading it… so I did. It was such a good read.. felt like what I did after finishing the Twilight series (Oh, man that was amazing…. I want more!!!) lol… cheesy I know but it’s true… I think he’d make some serious mad money if he wrote a book or something… hmmm…. Man, the time is gonna fly by fast now…. I can feel it… in my blood. in my veins…. its like instinct or something… just like how the birds just frickin know when to  fly south for the winter… well atleast the birds in the US do that… I donno bout these desi birds whether they fly somewhere for hmmm… maybe monsoon? oh well. who cares…

it honestly feels good to write on my blog after so long… I’m excited… I dont want to jinx anything but I feel so comfortable where I am right now in life. Sure I want things to move in due course… so I can be happy with my boyfriend… hopefully married soon and all that… but even though I’m absolutely dying to have that… to wake up every morning and see his face next to mine… wake up…cook for him… take care of him… have his babies… and the whole works… I’m STILL happy where I am right now… it’s weird because I don’t think I’ve ever been happy at this stage in my life… I’ve just been fucking depressed… so low…. not human for the past 3 yrs??? its hard to explain… but this is the first time Ive taken things slow… taken the time to speculate where I’m going in life and myself so I can be a healthy individual and happy with who I am… I don’t think I’ve ever done that before in my life… it’s insane….it’s weird… its almost like skipping a grade and then wondering what’s missing… or running before you learn how to stop or walk and then crashing into a wall… So now I’m finally learning to walk and stop and take a look at my life… and it feels so good…. its not all a breeze in the park I tell you… There are days where I am cringing and hurting and frustrated and tired…. but its easier to manage now because I’m learning more about myself… I think I never would have learned all this if it wasnt for K… hmmm….he means everything to me…  I think I’m done rambling… It was a good ramble though…. will write more when I feel a bit more clear… loll… bed time for moi…. this light is turned off…

Currently listening to
Walking in the Air
By Nightwish

My Latest Epiphany I’m Trying To Grasp…

You adjust to things that come into your life, good or bad…. and when they leave, you learn to continue living your life as if you never had it… Don’t go away empty handed. Learn from your experiences and your mistakes. Never depend on anyone else for anything whether it be happiness, love, money, confidence, success… gain these fruits for yourself, from within you. Do not expect anyone else to get these things for you. Believe in yourself. trust in yourself. be yourself.. because that’s the only one person you will be able to depend on always. Be comfortable being alone… create a barricade around your soul so that nothing can tear you apart and leave you weak. If that means being a bitch then so be it. At the end of the day YOU have to harbor those emotions of hurt, pain, and frustration when you become weak and soft enough to allow someone to make you feel that way. Harden your heart… Everyone looks nice from the outside but they all have agendas in their head. Don’t fall for them. Work is not a place to make friends. Do your job and leave. The more personal attachments you have, the more complicated life gets. Love yourself first. If you decide to trust someone enough to let them into your life, they come after you. If you allow them in, don’t be surprised if they pick up and leave tomorrow. In fact expect it. So it won’t be so hard to deal with when they finally do. Music is the only weakness you can allow yourself to experience recklessly. The only thing you can be vulnerable to without getting hurt. Experience it and embrace it whole heartedly.

Note: I cannot take credit for this epiphany. I had a conversation with someone (he/she knows who he is) and through a series of questions arguments and realizations I have come to find the above written. I thank the person who has helped me discover this. I am stronger and more enlightened because of this. This light is turned off..

 

Currently listening to Right Before Your Eyes  by Hoobastank
Daredevil: OST

Things I Love Thursday… 25/53

So hmmm…. I’ve decided to have a special weekly post on every Thursday to showcase the things I really love. It’s not gonna be some sappy shit. I’m talking websites, photographs, people, news, ideas, concepts…just something random I come across that I really really dig. I think part of the reason we have blogs is to let our inner emotions, thoughts and philosophies out. But we should take the time to focus on our external inspirations as well… I dont know bout you, but I feel my Things I Love Thursday posts will remind me to do that, to think about what inspires me from the outside, from other people’s creativity, from things surrounding me… from life itself.. I will also count down the Thursdays each week… with 53 Thursdays in 2009 we are currently on the 25th Thursday of the year, so… I thought I would start my first Thursday post discussing a website i really loved.. I came across it a week or two ago. Since my field is internet marketing I come across a lot of interesting stuff every once in a while.

It’s called Dream Grove…

This is their homepage. http://www.dreamgrove.org You must be wondering how I found a homepage with a picture of the mud in a garden with an open pomegranate fallen down appeals to me? Well…here’s how it works.
Dream Grove is an interactive website where you can visit to record your dreams. Like an online portal that records anyone’s dream from across the world. You click on the pomegranate and it will whisk you to their database of dreams which you can browse through… It looks pretty cool and you can read what other people have recorded. In this portal you can record an actual dream you had or something which you dream of as in wish for, desire…. Here’s how all the dreams look… pretty neat huh? If you click on the hole to the left of the tree stump that’s where you can record your dream. clicking on the tree stump takes you to a little writeup about the garden itself and the details involving the actual garden itself (I will explain more later on…) If you click on the worm to the right (I thought it was so cute how it wiggles and sways when you hover your mouse over it..!) that will show you information about the project  and the concept itself… Once you get on the website… its soo amazing… and surprises you how pretty the mud looks (they’ve used some animation to make the soil sparkle!)

This is the page you come to when you click on the pomegranate. Each dot represent someone who has visited this website and recorded their dream. Each dream is categorized by color of dot, mood, date, name, and number. The black toolbox on the left is how you can search for dreams. But honestly, I think if I had to mention something negative…needs to work on their search mechanism because when I tried to search for the dream I had recorded on here a couple weeks ago I couldn’t find it when I searched for my name. but its still interesting to see what others had written..  Here’s Dream 199 just to give you an example:

Now you’re probably thinking, this is it? cooollll…. no it’s not over yet…. !! Now what happens next is simply colossal!!! Now these dreams that everyone can record online are sent to a database in Greece I think it is… where there’s a garden… a pomegrante garden. Like a realll garden… The garden is built in with strategically placed hidden speakers where these dreams are whispered out along with garden sounds… And people in Greece can actually visit the garden and if they listen carefully and quietly… they can walk around and listen to the dreams of people from across the world. How pretty is that?? According to the creator he defines the purpose of Dream Grove as the following:

“Dream Grove is about writing, then speaking, one’s innermost emotion, wish, or instinct; it makes public private memories that can never be fully owned.  Using technologies of exposure and representation it generates a surreal break in reality, and gives back to speaking, writing and drifting some of their long-lost aura.”

I also found the site to be very humbling as the creator of this concept listed all his inspirations to do this project… and let me tell you it was not just a couple… It was a huge list of things… here they are… (Reading that Aristotle was one of his inspirations, took me back to my highschool days when I was studying Aristotle in a Humanities course I was doing. I really loved that class…

Inspirations of Dream Grove:
Aristotle, On Memory and Reminiscence
Aristotle, On Dreams
Francesco Colonna, Hypnerotomachia Polyphili: The Strife of Love in a Dream
Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams
Walter Benjamin, The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction
Carl Jung, The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious
Andre Breton, Manifestoes of Surrealism
Adolfo Bioy Casares, The Invention of Morel
Jorge Luis Borges, The Garden of Forking Paths
Ingmar Bergman, Wild Strawberries
Frances Yates, The Art of Memory
John Searle, The Mystery of Consciousness
Michael Pollan, The Botany of Desire:  a Plant’s Eye View of the World

Petros Babasikas is the creator of this concept Dimitris Doukas who helped engineer the concept and Lambros Pigounis was the sound artist.

As of the time being this concept is a temporary exhibition at a Athens Byzantine Museum but the creators are looking for a permanent location where they can continue to run Dream Grove…

If you decide to visit Dream Grove I’d love to hear what you thought of it (good or bad, I like unbiased opinions), and have you found any interesting websites that inspired you lately? this light is turned off.

Currently listening to
Misery Is a Butterfly
By Blonde Redhead

Music… something I found while browsing online…

Music,
Like love and lust, has roots in the soul.
You drive me mad with your A notes,
Making me wild like a staff with no lines.
Kisses placed randomly on paper as notes turn into high screams and low moans.

Love,
Like anger flows through my veins and burns me,
So does the fire produced by every key you hit.
Taking me higher into a world where there is no dissonance,
And every sound, from every voice, melts into one word:

Lust,
Dances to the sound produced as sweat drips tenderly off your skin.
Hands roaming gently; our hearts the bass, beat, and background.
Hit that note for me, touch me where everything makes sense and I become the star in your opera show. Make me the soprano you know I am while my Soul,
Is Infatuated and drowning in your…

Music.

Currently listening to
Through the Eyes
By Flaw