i’ve been hurt by friendship so many times that i have cut strings with all my friends…
So Christmas weekend was supposed to be great.. initially it started out splendid… and turned really really sour.. it went bad like the milk in my fridge… jk (i love drinking milk too much to let it go to waste…) anywho I had planned to go out the weekend after my birthday to F & R’s place which was christmas weekend. They had somehow patched up after what seemed like really sleazy juvenile behavior if you asked me…(she was talking bout her sex life with another guy that she had a crush on and was completely giving her boyfriend the cold shoulder.. i think she was considering dumping him but last minute abandoned the idea) but I decided not to question why or how or what they were getting back together for. When they both came to me with their problems I finally put my foot down and said. Look I am a friend and a friend is good to ask advice, talk and sort things out, vent, have a shoulder to cry on, and the works and I will do that for both of you when you need me to but when you have issues with each other and you don’t bother to deal with them with one another and tell me not to tell the other person aI will not do that anymore. You guys are just making ur relationship worse by hiding your feelings from each other and its ridiculous to stay in a relationship if you cant even talk to each other about issues that are bothering you. For me I think a boyfriend or girlfriend is the person who should know the first about issues or problems and someone like your best friend almost… So your living a lie if you keep hiding problems and the way you feel from them… anyways so a month past after I had written both of them an email telling them that I would not hide their secrets from each other any longer but im still there to talk to if they needed to after they talked to each other. they conveniently just stopped talking to me for like a week or two after that and then when my birthday came around pretended like I had never said anything to them. They called me at midnight on my birthday and came over…. They came over from their friends place didn’t even bother bringing their stuff because they planned on going back there.. They came for like 5 minutes and dropped off a pair of sunglasses that they got me for my birthday and that was that.. They were like why are you not celebrating your birthday… I got kinda pissed off but I didn’t show it.. because R instead of being more interested in wishing me on my birthday was more interested in showing her tattoo that she got. That too after she spoke to me about getting a tattoo a couple months back and I told her to think about a design for 6 months to a year before getting it because it’s something that’s gonna be there for the rest of your life. But she didn’t listen.. why would she.. that too when she was telling me she wants a butterfly and then a week later said she wanted a dolphin… she can’t even say what the significance of a butterfly is to her.. i mean if there was some deep meaning of a butterfly that was important to her in her life… i could understand but she’s just getting one because it’s cool… and that’s so lame.. oh well… i did my part by trying to dissuade her… anywho I knew the second they stepped in my house on my birthday that they werent planning on being there for long… because they had come from their friends place nearby… and R had even left her purse there… ud think if u had a friend who didnt feel like celebrating her birthday you’d still go to her house and spend time with her there… either ordering in some food… watching a movie… drinking… talking…cheering her up.. but no… they were more bothered bout going to their friends house… you see ever since their old group of friends from work has kind of disappeared they are so obsessed bout filling those holes with new friends and so now theyve found this new group… and now they find it easy to bad mouth their old group and crave to spend time with their new group… to the point where when i go visit their house like once or twice a month i find that they can’t even take that day out to spend with me.. theyre more focused on how they can get over to their friends house…
i decided to visit R & F the weekend after my birthday… the first day was fun.. we chilled out… we drank… I made my famous alfredo white sauce pasta… F U and I smoked up… it was fun… since I landed there I had told them my piano has been ordered and I was hoping they would come with me on Sunday to drop off the last remaining check and then I planned on surprising them by taking them out to lunch at the restaurant above the piano store. It’s a restaurant called Sheesha and they serve fabulous steaks, sizzlers and Iranian food. In India its apparently custom that the birthday person has to treat their friends.. (I think that’s so fucked up because it should be that the person who’s birthday it is should be getting pampered by friends and family and not be busy doling out cash to treat everyone.. but anywho since I didnt’ do anything on my birthday I thought Sheesha lunch with them would be a good way to treat them for my birthday) But Saturday night I was left with just R, because F had to go out for some religious thingy with his family and R was hell bent on going to her new friends place.. so then I said fine let’s go.. (what am I supposed to do, say no and have her sit there annoyed with me?) So I got ready and we went.. what she said was that her friend was gonna pick us up int he car and he would drive us back when we were done since it was really really cold outside. As soon as she had this plan in her head I knew the next day both F & R were gonna give some ditch excuse and back out of my plan which I had been saying since the beginning that I wanted to go to the piano place. We went over to her friend’s house… as usual I’m not happy about being there because everyone of their friends speaks in Hindi and that is a language I don’t understand.. The house we go to the couple that stay there they are really nice people… really kind and whatever… but the whole group as whole is just so rude and in their own world. I went there a couple months back and everyone was speaking in Hindi.. I told them I don’t understand Hindi but they continued speaking in Hindi. And I’m telling you these are people who work for an American call center so you can trust me that they know how to speak English… but they’d rather not change their ways and make one person who’s a guest feel comfortable.. At first it was just me R and the couple. We played this card game called judgment and it was awesome… we had a lot of fun and it’s really entertaining. Then at 2 am F came with the rest of the group and that’s when the shit started hitting the fan. He has this thing where he likes to poke fun of me because I’m American and make fun of my country. I’ve told him I don’t find it funny and we’ve had countless fights over this and the end conclusion is that he said he wouldnt make fun of me and who I am.. but he must have been in some mood to vent or belittle me.. and he started doing it.. right there in front of everyone… I smiled the first time… the 2nd time… the third time… i just sat there quietly not saying a word… the fourth time the fifth time… then he just kept going and i didnt find it funny anymore.. everyone else was just laughing.. his girlfriend R was completely mum didn’t bother stopping him or telling him what he was doing was wrong even though she felt it was wrong.. then when i got quiet and it was apparent i was upset he starts talking in Hindi about me to the rest of his friends and they’re laughing about me in front of me… can you believe that?? I just was so hurt… I couldn’t believe it… I was so miserable so sad.. I was ready to start crying.. but I said they would just find another reason to laugh at a 27 yr old chick who’s crying… I never felt so humiliated or left out in my life.. I thought when you go to a new friend’s house your old friends are supposed to go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.. but they ended up doing the opposite… and it hurt so much… I started just thinking to myself to get over the boredom of not being talked to and just left in a corner to myself.. I realized that my boyfriend was right.. that the fact that these friends keep disrespecting me and think it’s ok it doesn’t sound like these are friends of yours. Everytime they come and say sorry.
Can you believe R actually said to me on the way home from this place that this is between F and me and she put her hands up and said she’s going to stay out of it and not get involved? I wished at that moment that the 1000′s of times she had come to me to vent about F and to get consoled from me that I had told her the same thing.. that this is between F and you and I don’t wanna get involved. what a bitch. We go back to their place. My stuff was there otherwise I would have gone home. I was so upset and tired I just went and took a nap..I woke up around 11 to find F had taken my hard drive to his house instead of bringing it home. When I was leaving the house everyone told me to give it to him because he would put it in his backpack, but when i woke up I found out h went to his house instead of coming where I was.. I was so pissed.. I called him up till he woke up and told him I wanted my hard drive and that I was leaving. He’s like can’t you come and pick it up.. I was like balls. I am not gonna pick it up I already am going to the other end of town to pay the check to the piano store do you really think I’m going to go out of my way when I wanted to carry my own hard drive in the first place. So he came and delivered it.
The sunglasses that they got me I left them there because the day they had come to gift them to me we had realized the ones they had chosen were too big for my face. R and I had decided that we were going to exchange them… They were planning to go to Goa that weekend so I thought it’s better the sunglasses stay with the receipt s I left them behind. F realized I had left them behind and as I had left the house and was waiting for the lift he asked me you left these behind. I told him I have left them to be with the receipt. So he goes and tells R that i have returned their gift. What a prick. So by the time I get home she’s written this angry email to me telling me how if I’m returning her gift that she will come and return all the gifts I’ve given to her and blah blah blah… so I wrote back to her and told her what a shitty person she was for assuming the worst about me to which she didn’t even respond back. Then I went on to write them a huge email of everything that went wrong that weekend to both of them and also telling them I’d rather not have friends than have friends assume the worst about me..
They were honestly the only two friends I used to hang out with… I didn’t think they would hurt me… I didn’t think they would but they just don’t give a damn… Since last year I’ve given up the idea of having friends because they would just use me and I would feel shitty… now the only two friends I had left I don’t talk to them either. I’m happier being alone in my home than being with people that make me feel like shit… I think we make the mistake of depending on other people to feel happy when we should take the responsibility of keeping ourselves happy no matter who’s there or who isn’t in our lives… sigh… this light is turned off..
(500) Days of Summer