my sister’s wedding dress…

This is the exact picture of the wedding dress my sister emailed to me to let me know this is the dress she’s going to get married in. I congratulated her and gave her my love but honestly inside I feel weird. It’s like I can understand she’s happy but I think she can find a better man to treat her right but now I can’t tell her. I’ve hinted at it so many times in the past and if this is what path she wants to take then this is her destiny and I will be there to support her decision.  I’ve met her boyfriend and I think she’s been living with him in California for about 3 years. but he’s so different. ok I’ll admit I was so happy with her ex boyfriend he was nice and sweet and I was comfortable talking to him. I feel I could level with him and he was genuinely a great guy. But things didn’t work out and they broke up. This new dude let’s call him J, she’s been with him for 3 yrs he’s a republican, he is so finicky about every god damn thing, he doesn’t talk, the only words he said to me were, “you didn’t get anything for me.” (I was visiting from India and I had bought them a beautiful sheesha which my mom freaked out about the day I was supposed to get on my flight and so I didn’t bring it. My mom ended up taking it for them when they visited this December.) But I was like wtf. when he said that to me. Also hes one of those guys who will do things only when he’s gaining something out of it. My sister wanted to take me to Las Vegas and he was supposed to do the booking and help her with the planning. He didn’t care to because he wasn’t going with any friends. he doesn’t ever want my sister to leave for a while to come visit me so she never visits. Apparently he can’t live without her. He got mad at her because she voted for Obama. He’s a republican. (He’s slowly converting her into one too.) He has problems with minorities yet my family is a minority. so go figure. He’s a racist and my sister admits it. She says she’s trying to make him see things differently… but I just don’t know. I see more of him changing her than the other way around. I’m going to be happy for her but I’m honestly not. It’s a beautiful dress though. Apparently this is the exact dress she’s going to buy for her wedding. She says she’s going to get married next summer. That too she’s given him an ultimatum. “marry me next summer or move on son.” My sister is such an independent person but he just clings on to her and makes her immobile. fucking leech. ok im sorry. im being so bad at this supportive thing. But i promise I’m being good in front of her. not even letting her see a trickle of my disapproval and I really genuinely wish them the best.. A year ago I was talking to her about weddings and I kind of made this blunder by assuming she’d want me to be her maid of honor and she could be mine as well when I get married. But she told me she wanted her best friend to be the maid of honor. the same girl that dumped me to be best friends with her. and after telling me that. she’s like you can still throw me a bachelorette party if you want to.. ugh.. sometimes sisters suck.. Im going to be happy for her… I am happy for her.. seriously.. I just have some clouds in the way is all =/ any advice out there = ( This light is turned off..

shock of being betrayed…

I don’t know what hurts worse, being betrayed itself or the aftermath… Its a viscious cycle of deleting phone numbers, deleting profiles off facebook, then orkut, then god knows what… Im tired of it all I wish I could just erase my best friend in one big swoop. Shes not come to work today so Im glad  I don’t have to see her face. Her smug look on her face as if she owns the world. She’s hurt me but she doesnt give a damn. Those are the toxic friends you hope to keep away from your life. Yes there’s always 2 sides to one story but she was not ready to see that she’s changed so much in the last couple of months that shes in turn moved away from me and I, in order not to offend her by pointing it out, I just watched quietly. Quietly watched her slowly unwrap herself from my life so she would be free again to do her own thing. Because she was my best friend I didnt see her weak points because that’s what friends do, they refuse to see the negative and only see the positive in a person. I did that and boy was I dumb. Real dumb. Her husband also ended up screwing me over. She had her moments where beither of us really knew what to make of her and instead of going to a third party or someone I didnt trust I used to talk a lot to her husband about the way she is. Not in a bad sense but just to get to understand the way she thinks, acts, works, and so forth… Now obviously something like this would offend her if she found out so he didnt let her know that he was talking to me. Now when I had this whole issue of her moving away and changing and acting different from her usual self I of course emailed her husband since I didnt get to talk much to him lately and he in turn rats me out and tells me that he doesnt keep anything from his wife and told her. So basically he acted like a two faced asshole that he is by confiding in me about her when he felt it was okay and when I needed his help he ratted me out and told her everything I told him. Which in turn made her pissed off and so thats where everything ended. She started yelling in my face at work to which I told her I dont think you’re gonna change and things will work between us so she walked away and we havent talked since. I really do not need such shit in my life. I would love to indulge in just talking about what kind of shitty two faced person they both are but I won’t Im too above that right now. Like I said, I chose not to see their dark sides and in turn its come to haunt me. I should have gone with my instinct and told myself that these dark qualities of theirs will end up hurting me one day. All this time I saw their actions hurting others now today theyre hurting me. She also conveniently got closer to me when her really good friend had disappeared and decided not to talk to her anymore. So she got close to me. Now shes again on talking terms with her good friend and so I am conveniently not needed. How interestingly bitter life becomes when you realize you’ve been used. I had promised myself not to go hunting for a best friend because even in the past I had been hurt and betrayed and had told myself that friends only end up betraying you and whenyou become a best friend to somebody and they let you down they really make you feel hurt and vulnerable. I guess I thought she was different and wouldnt do that to me…   I am determined to get over this whole drama quickly and as painless as possible inspite of the fact that I wasted 2 yrs on her… I guess thats another lesson learned. I will talk about the rest of my day and plans later on when Im feeling more upbeat. I think I will listen to some nice cheery christmas songs to make me feel better

Currently listening to
Closer
By Ne-Yo

Betrayal

This weekend I was betrayed… I no longer have a best friend anymore. Its in many ways sad. But at the same time I should have known better to trust someone like that when I know they always betray and let me down when I let a person get that close. I should have known to not get so close to people cuz one day or another they will fall through. The only person that hasnt let me down knows who he is… and I’ll love him forever… For this moment of betrayal I dedicate a song to it. It’s a song by the best band there ever will be… TOOL. And the song is called Pushit.

[Pushit]
Saw that gap again today ,
while you were beggin’ me to stay,
take care not to make me enter,
if i do we both may disappear.

I will choke until I swallow…
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?
But you’re (pushing and shoving 4x) me.
(You’re pushing me and shoving me. 4x)
You (still love me, still love me,
pushit on me, pushit on me 2x).

Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Better take care not to make me enter.
’cause if I do we both may disappear.
But (you’re pushing me, shoving me. 4x)
You still love me, still love me
pushit on me, pushit on me.
(You’re pushing me and shoving me. 2x)

Slipping back into the gap again.
I’m alive when you’re touching me,
alive when you’re shoving me down.

But i’d trade it all
for just a little
piece of miiiiiiiiiiiiiiind.

(Pushit on me, 4x)
You’re pushing,
and shoving,
and scrambling,
keep my feet back on the ground!

(Put me somewhere I don’t wanna beee. 2x)

Seeing someplace I don’t wanna seeee.

Never wanna see that place agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain.

Saw that gap again today
while you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
and you, as well, my dear.

If, when I say I might fade like a sigh if I staaaay,
you minimize my movement anywaaaay,
I must persuade you another waaaaaaaaay.

pushing, shoving,
pushing, shoving,
pushing me
There’s no love in feaaaaaaaar!

Staring down the hole again.
Hands are on my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Yeah. Remember I will always love you,
as I claw your fucking throat away.
(It will end no other way. 2x)

This light is turned off…

Currently listening to Pushit
Salival
By Tool