Never Alone by *cooledition on deviantART

The whole month of July since the incident between Gojira and I has been an emotional rollercoaster and it continues to be now that we have fallen into August. (We have been living separately and seeking counseling after a domestic violence incident.) I’m trying so hard to be focused and clear headed but its very hard to deal with everyone else’s emotions and reactions surrounding me. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.. being alone and depressed or being surrounded by family and stressed.. its a lot of juggling i have to do but i know they all mean well and care very much for me. Now with 3 or 4 sessions of therapy in my backpocket i really really have found the confidence to actually speak out and talk about my problems and issues I’ve had buried for years and years. It has opened my eyes to my tendencies and why I have habits and have behaved in certain ways over the years. It has also helped me gain different perspectives on the situation that I had not considered before.  I’m not ashamed anymore taking my friends into confidence and telling them about the situation and it has really helped me feel comforted and assured. I’m hoping that I can move forward from this episode with grace and that I have no more pitfalls to encounter. I know he loves me and I love him. But if you’re old enough you will realize. Love just isn’t enough.. you have to respect each other and look at it from a logical point of view. If it’s just not working u have to stop ramming your head into the wall.. because then you the only sane person left will stop functioning too.. i guess thats a gross way of looking at it :/ but I’m just hoping Gojira can lift himself from the muck and be a better man for himself, then for me and in turn I can also work on my confidence and happiness through the sessions I’ve been having with my counselor.. sigh.. wish life was a lot more easier..

Right now we’re starting to make our way towards finally flying out of the nest. It seems like we have been living with my parents forever and there has been a lot of drama trying to keep everyone happy. I’ve felt like a yoyo being bounced between husband and parents because when my folks are happy my husband is not and when my hubby is happy my parents are not. It can make a girl psycho if you know what I mean. I know that like 95% of the issues will be solved if we move out and have our own space but right now with me the only one earning we have no choice. The good thing is that my man finally got his working permit. We have changed our minds about San Diego and have decided settling in San Francisco will be a better fit for us and in terms of his career. He will be my bread winner so we have to go where his prime pickings are. But I seriously dont know what to do about his lack of initiative or excitement or lack of go get em’ attitude. I know to be fair he has not had a lot of exposure living in the US but there are plenty of people who come from abroad and though they are unfamiliar with the lifestyle and what to expect are zealous to over come their competitors in terms of education and careers. I worry a lot about this and had no idea this was an issue until recently.. (disconnect.. never completed this post.)

As you can see i’m continuing with the feathers vibe here.. I’m also going to make my own bouquet jewelry by buying the crystals and the wire from michaels and making something like these images.. it will look so pretty and unique… can’t wait to start on all these projects.. this light is turned off..

we’ve chosen the white casablanca lily as our theme flower. it represents celebration… and its just so stunning. I wanted to go beyond the classic white rose and into something a little more abstract looking.. i think the lily fits my taste and would represent something very meaningful on our wedding day :) (the 2nd image is not of lilies but just an idea of how i want the flowers to be wrapped.)  this light is turned off…

i found this flower girl dress almost a year ago.. and ive fell in love with it… we are planning to have 3 flower girls and 1 ring bearer

a flower basket i fell in love with..

some ideas for the ring bearer

we’ve chosen gojira’s nephew to be our ring bearer and we’re going to give them the news this weekend when we visit them for easter. it’s pretty exciting to say the least :)

i’ve decided to take on the project of decorating and creating the ring bearer pillow. i did a trip to michaels and some fabrics stores to get the right material. will put up some pics when im finished with it :) <3 this light is turned off…

I’m going to have 2 bridesmaids and 1 maid of honor. They are all going to have the same dress.

front of my bridesmaid dress

the back. This is the dress for my bridesmaids… its got satiny fabric and the top part right below the chest is made of chiffon and goes behind to tie at the back of the neck.

this is the theme color (apple green) of our wedding and so this will be the color of the bridesmaid’s dresses. so imagine the 1st dress in this color. its actually a slightly lighter shade of green than this dress. more on the pastel easter green sort of color.

since the church is very traditional. bridesmaids cannot have exposed backs in the church so i will get bolero jackets made out of the same fabric as their dress. this is the design ill be using for their jacket. it’s so cute. and once the wedding is over they can use it to accessorize any outfit. :)

so far i bought these bracelet cuffs to accessorize their outfit but i’m not sure if i’ll be using these anymore since i’m thinking of using gold to accent the wedding entourage including myself. having some silver and some gold will be very tacky so i have to think some more about their accessories..

i am definitely digging the feather trend.. i’ve still not finalized on what but these are some of my ideas…

let’s see what ideas i finally end up with.. but im definitely having a lot of fun coordinating and putting it all together :) this light is turned off..