18th… 8 days away

the 18th is 8 days away.. 8. .8 ..8.88.8.8.8.8.8.8..8.88

sigh… yes my mind is fried and my nerves are fried…

wish this ordeal would be over already…

to make matters worse my parents have hurt my in law to-be’s feelings very badly…

and they’re completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve hurt them..

and i feel so bad cuz they’re such adorable people…

sigh… wish this was over already with the outcome that i want..

this light is turned off…

feeling so damn guilty that ive started smoking again.. trying to keep it at 1/2 a day.. sigh sigh sigh sigh sighghhhhhh

Last Stretch Of The Race

When I wear my TOOL t shirt, I feel just like Superman does when he wears his getup underneath his normal clothes. It’s a feeling of power and awe, without anybody being aware of it.

yesterday was such a horrible day… the stress ended getting to me.. and to Gojira.. but I’m glad things are better today. we’ve ridden out that storm and realized what’s what. I’ve been spending the last month or so scrutinizing over the papers required for his interview at the embassy. I feel like I can recite them in my mind as if I was reading a book.. anyways last night was the last long hard pull and so its understandable why we were feeling the way that we were. I was up past midnight getting all the papers together. Making sure everything is signed and dated and that nothing is missing. Today after work I’m going to Kinko’s to mail out the paperwork. It’s a scary yet exhilarating feeling. His d-day is scheduled on the 18th. I’m grateful and happy that it will be sooner rather than later. It has been excruciating waiting for so many days and hopefully the 18th will end all our waiting woes. The stress has been so bad I started smoking again and everytime i light up I feel so disappointed and guilty with myself for doing so. But its nothing major. Have smoked max 2 in a day and minimum 1 a day. I have promised myself I will quit if we hear good news on the 18th. If he clears he has plans to fly out mid Feb since his parents will be going out of town and he wants to leave after they come back. I don’t know if the last stretch of the race is worse or better than all the waiting I’ve done so far. I just want it to be over.. waiting to exhale is an understatement for me right now… this light is turned off..

mood swings…

I feel like a menopausal 40+ woman the way my mood swings are lifting me as high as the sky and then crashing me back down..Feel like I’m on Oceanic flight blah blah blah just swerving up and down and all around… its just insane… i can’t wait for this whole visa ordeal to be over…the stress is putting me over the top but i try my hardest to feel composed and calm about everything. I have this deep rich feeling that everything is going to be fine.. but I’m human and it is natural to think about all the fearful “What if’s” that could make things go wrong.. I started crying again on the way in to work.. i guess the weather was crying with me because it was drizzling and gloomy and what not.. but u know i was crying happy tears.. i was thinking of the moment when Gojira lands at LAX airport and gets through border customs and immigration and he finally gets to the baggage area and sighs with relief that all inquiries and interrogation is all finally over… i’m a shy person u could say.. but i know when i get him in my arms im going to scream my head off and just pounce on top of him.. im also relieved because my dad is filing his financial support papers so that he can declare that my gojira will not be a liability on the government once he is here. that basically helps our case A LOT. i have to file one anyways but if my dad who has more secure assets also files for him it will be really really good.. im honestly proud of the way Gojira is handling the stress and pressure.. its obvious he must be smoking like a chimney during this time..and though it concerns me.. i know its better than losing it mentally.. he’s strong and he’s handled worse pressure than this.. so i know he’s going to get through this like a cake walk though he is quite worried..

i know that the best thing to do when your stressed antsy and nervous… is to keep busy… so ive been  doing a really good job of that.. during my tahiti trip i took the chance to learn how to crochet… now i’ve crocheted in the past but it’s never come out nice.. i never learned how to turn on the next row properly and so it would always turn out uneven and narrowing instead of keeping consistent.. so since we were all just lazing around at the hotel i took the chance to get her guidance so she could correct me when i was going wrong.. and  sooner than i knew it i started correcting myself and understanding how its supposed to be done. so then last weekend i got this idea that since dad is leaving this weekend for india i will send scarfs for all my family there with him. theres 6 of them.. and im in the middle of the third one so ive been crocheting away like crazy for the past couple of nights as soon as i get home from work.. today and tomorrow being friday and saturday i will really have to catch up… it was convenient that michaels was having a sale so I got a lot of pretty colors.. I also went online and watched a video that taught me how to put a fringe on each end of the scarf… i swear i could sell my scarfs they look that good. even my grandmom and mom were kind of eying them :P i will make them one too when im finished with these…believe it or not.. right now with all the stress i have there is nothing i am craving more than a good ol’ cigarette. i feel like hopping into a store and just buying that nice fat pack of smokes and the alarmingly bright neon lighter to slip into my pocket.. but ive come too far to turn around on that path again.. so im doing what i did to fight my initial cravings when i first quit: eating lots of chocolate..  it’s worse cuz dad bought this huge bag of truffles and our whole family’s been scarfing them down all week.. they’re so addictive but i restrain myself to just one every night before i go to bed.. but work is a different story.. everyday cuz of the holiday season someone’s either bringing in cake, cookies, pie, chocolates… so that is hard to resist. but i try to balance it out by skipping breakfast and eating a really small lunch.. yeah yeah i may gain a few pounds because of it.. but once i get these scarfs finished.. (dad’s leaving sunday so they’ll all have to be finished by saturday night…. i’ll be jumping right back on that treadmill and  getting refocused about my body and keeping fit.. im proud of myself.. ive managed to be healthy toned and fit.. i dont think ive ever been in this shape before.. so if i take a lil chocolate break.. i deserve it.. its not the end of the world.. chocolate does not make u gain 500 pounds overnight if you have it within reason.. :P hmmmm.. i guess this is it.. this light is turned off..

God Is An Astronaut…

listening to All Is Violent, All Is Bright and crying tears of sheer abandonment and listlessness.. I feel so alone and sad right now…

desolate

I’m honestly in a blah mood.. yeah i know what’s new..  but I can’t help it.. maybe its partially the fault of this rainy gloomy weather.. i just can’t help but think im slowly losing a grip over my optimism.. i donno how to deal with my own pessimism and mood swings let alone gojira’s. i hate my life right now.. i hate being alone.. i hate feeling like im doing this on my own… i wasn’t going to blog cuz i was in such a bad mood maybe more cuz gojira didn’t come online to chat with me when he usually does and it was a short snappy conversation before i went to bed last night.. ive stopped trying to figure out whether its cuz he’s mad at me for the trillionth time or just busy having a peaceful evening. if i ask i get yelled at. so ive decided to just forget asking anyone anything.  thought twice and said maybe continuing to blog is my only hope of sorting through my issues..  i pray hoping for some relief from the stress and that the outcome will be positive but i honestly am not going to know till i get there. I’ve been so depressed I didn’t even work out this weekend.. I usually wait for the chance to work out but even that I’ve sort of neglected again and stopped caring about. I’m going to try and start again today but who knows. Tomorrow will make it 10 more days till November. I’m not even looking forward to my vacation in November I am just really confused and scared right now. Yes Tahiti one of mankind’s heavens on earth.. but is it really going to be that enjoyable when my family who I can’t get along with are with me.. is it going to a week of hell or  a week of peace… god only knows.. ill be sure to carry plenty of books so i dont have to be as social. when i’m social with them that’s where my problems begin. I’m not going to expect anything. then only do i have the hopes of having a decent vacation. when u expect something that’s when u experience disappointment. So far my trips to Las Vegas, Kenya, sucked because of the clashes I had with my family. Egypt they made me cry on the cruise ship and my dad started yelling at me more for crying in front of everyone. Cancun was alright but again things were said about how I’m this or that.. I feel bullied by my family and it scares me to be in close proximity with them.. They’re nice to me in very short phases.. so its hard to trust them and relax even when they are behaving and nice towards me. Everyday on Facebook I see people getting engaged, married, having babies, enjoying pregnancy, and I feel so passionately envious. I know it sounds so ugly and mean of me to say.. I do wish all of them the very very best but I feel bad that I’m not doing those things yet. When will my turn come? How long is it going to take till I get to sing about my happiness and be in a perpetual bliss?.. sigh..This light is turned off..

in the car…

I’m sitting in the car on the way to Long Beach to drop my grandmother to the airport.. her visit has been an experience of ups and downs so its a bittersweet feeling seeing her go.. im happy and sad at the same time.. happy to get my room back and know that my house will be a little dramatic with one less person to butt heads with.. and sad that i won’t have her around to spend time with.. i honestly feel bad for her.. 5 yrs ago her husband (my grandfather) passed away. i don’t know how she goes on living life without him.. she must feel so alone..

Anyways… not used to waking up so early on a Saturday but it’s oddly refreshing to sit in the car and watch the fog kissing the valleys as we cruise along the highway.. The fog has nestled into the concave of the valley like a newborn puppy feeling its way closer to the warmth of its mother’s body. in the cloudy about to rain kind of weather it makes you think of wearing warm snuggly sweaters, boots and a have a special hand to hold on to while u sit by the fireplace and brew apple cider or put tiny little marshmallows in a steaming cup of cocoa. yes my mind wanders far off while I sit in the car. It helps distract me from the idea of being confined in a small place. Music definitely helps elevate the sense of being somewhere far away from where I actually am.. With Madonna’s “Vogue” playing on the radio I can’t help but feel wowed by the number of years she’s not only sustained in the music industry but been on the top of the charts. Even the most tom boyish girl will feel the female empowerment emanating from this song.

Vogue magazine must take so much pride in this song. I can so picture them using this song for all of their events and PR related programs. I would if I owned Vogue. Madonna has been the queen of pop because of how successfully she reinvents herself each time she comes out with an album. She has used religion and culture to express herself and reveal her inner soul and journey. you can actually see her story/journey if u analyze all her albums consecutively…

her young experimental, rebellious, wild n’ sassy years…

her motherly instincts  kicking in with her album full of soft calming lullaby like songs…

 

turning 50, showing the world she’s still the sexy diva we all know her to be.

Moving forward… I always end up loathing the idea of spending my weekend in Long Beach. It just  makes it even more obvious how self centered my family is. Everyone’s doing their own thing while they hang out together. You would think its impossible but they prove that it’s not. I feel like im there but im invisible. I think maybe a sentence or two is said in my direction and otherwise I’m just tuned out like the traffic and pollution. They think that not talking about something will make it go away.  Not feeling too hot right now considering I am currently having another episode of hives. I’ve come to realize that they could be very well because of the dog hair. Because after spending half hour an hr in my sister’s aparment i started breaking out in hives. I take Claritin for my hives but as soon as I get them I start a rapid of  cycle of uneasiness and and feeling horribly feverish and weak throughout the whole day. After leaving the apartment on our way to JC Penney’s my sister realized the pants she was about to return were covered in dog hair so she proceeded to dust them off in the car in spite of me asking her to wait till we reached so she could dust them outside the car. I didn’t want the dog hair to aggravate my already progressing hives but she didn’t care. She’s such a friggin bitch i tell you. When we got to JC Penney’s we went around the department store looking for jeans that fit her (haha @her thinking she could fit her piggy ass into a size 3) I’ve got a healthy build for my height and even I don’t fit into a size 3.  Her husband didn’t want to be there so he decided to lie down on the floor and crawl underneath the display cases growling at my mom and sister as they sifted through the jeans. I’m appalled that my sister is okay with this kind of behavior and my mother doesn’t say a thing either. I’m definitely not going to be anywhere around when my sister wakes up one day and realizes what a dick he is. He basically walks all over them by behaving in this ridiculous way and they don’t even realize it.  What a pity. I took a walk so I didn’t have to be seen with them. By this time my hives were so bad my skin felt like it was crawling in spite of the fact that I had just taken a Claritin. I guess with my allergies getting this bad I have an excuse not to step into her dirty house again and I will refrain from making visits. I’ll hang out with her when she comes down to my parent’s house for the weekend. I also should mention that we were supposed to take their clean laundry over but their clean laundry having done one cycle in the washer and dryer was still smelling dirty.. yes filthy… Their laundry was so dirty it needed to be done twice. :| that’s so gross i can’t even wrap my head around it. my nose feels violated for having smelled that. I think my allergies are bad enough without living in their filthy house. That’s part of the reason I chose to back out of the garba plan for this weekend. I didn’t want to live in their filthy house even if it’s just for the weekend. oh and her friend N who keeps hitting on me and finding every occasion to be informal and touchy feely with me.. the one she swore she would never hang out with again was apparently invited for Garba. and all her friends backed out so it was just her and him going for it. haha.. she conveniently decided to not tell me that N was invited too.. I am venting I know.. but I just can’t stand this bullshit. She knows I feel uncomfortable around him and yet she still chose to invite him. I’m so so relieved I made the right decision of backing out of the plans to go to garba with her. I think my weekends will go by tension free if I stop visiting Long Beach. I’m invisible anyways so there’s no point in going there just to fall ill from all the filth she seems to live in…this light is turned off.

Dear Borderline Hoarder,

I care for you and I don’t like seeing you living in filth but you choose to anyways. From the maggots breeding in your dirty dishes,  the mine field of dog poop in your backyard, the layers of fur coating every single thing in your house, the bean bags being used as toilets by your cats, overflowing garbage cans in the kitchen bathroom and backyard, the vomit stains on the carpet that haven’t been scrubbed clean, the lines of milk cartons half finished and fermenting on the back porch, the spilled dog and cat food littered around the kitchen table, the fungus filled fruit baskets on the table, the inches (yes inches) of grease and burnt food lining your toaster oven. You’re engaged, planning on getting married in May and you plan on having children soon after. Do you plan on raising them in this filth? What a shame that you have been brought up in a healthy lifestyle and you choose to live like a pig. I think a pig would be cleaner than you are. I’m angry at you for not respecting yourself enough to change your ways. You are a borderline Hoarder. I would not be surprised if I saw you on the show one day. Maybe I will call a hoarding psychologist when I have the time and money and set up an intervention.. You need to get help. I hope you find it soon before it’s too late..  this light is turned off..

Currently reading
Cesar’s Way: The Natural, Everyday Guide to Understanding and Correcting Common Dog

having a blah stage…

Im going through a blah stage.. i don’t know what else to call it.. I am happy but im so dissatisfied at the amount of time its taking for me to get on my feet. I went to an interview and it went very well.. but they’re still developing a team and will be getting back to me in 2 weeks.. also the pay is not that much.. but there are no jobs out there so it’s tough.. I just don’t know what to do.. I have no friends in Cali so I don’t even have a reason to step out of the house.. I feel claustrophobic.. sigh… i’m so fed up with my job hunt that right now i just don’t care. i cook now almost everyday.. takes away a lot of the stress in my mom’s life and she’s pretty content. but she can be finicky to the point where she just won’t eat it or she won’t want to try something new. sigh.. life is very annoying right now.. i want a reason to get out of the house right now.. and i want it to be work.. work come knocking on my door please =( this light is turned off…

here is where i take a bow..

ive decided to end my blog because i thought i would find peace here in writing about my thoughts. i never ever dreamed that xanga would end up becoming a place where i would be so viciously attacked.. im really stunned… im shocked and disturbed… and most of all hurt.. ive seen xangans being attacked in blogs before and i feel its not needed. even if we feel someone is wrong or feel angered by what someone said there is no need to pinpoint someone and publicly disgrace someone.. when im upset with someone i have vented on my blog but never named names or disclosed who it was.. i don’t choose to be a part of attacking someone but now that ive been pin pointed myself i definitely think it’s time to go.. ive made a lot of good friends along the way… and a lot of you are very special to me… if you feel like keeping in touch please send me your emails in a private message so we can continue elsewhere but xanga is not my comfort zone as it once was.. i feel sad that im going… i was so close to becoming a true member.. was proud to be getting it soon… but i guess life goes on… take care all of you.. i will keep this blog open for another 7 days in case anyone wants to send their emails and then i will be taking it down.. thank you for those who have been my support and have led me through my dark gloomy days.. you will be missed.. this light is turned off.

chat overload

I was told about a week ago by one of my xanga friends that I apparently hog up the airwaves when I chat on messenger. Apparently I’m supposed to wait for their response and then chat back. Last time I checked there was no sort of chat etiquette. at least amongst friends I’ve always had people chat back whether I’m typing or not and vice versa. no one waits around in my opinion. but then that’s just what i’ve experienced. It really hurt my feelings even though it was put across to me politely. I felt it a bit on the harsh side but I am generally a soft person so I might have taken it in more personally than others would have. Then they got offended when I didn’t communicate. I honestly havent made an attempt to communicate at this point since that is my nature. When someone tells me they think I chat too much or too excessively or concentrated or however you want to put it, I really dont think I would feel like talking to that person.. I am open to changing myself whenever someone has brought to light something they think I should work on. So with an open mind but a wounded ego I went and asked my Gojira what he thought. I didn’t tell him what happened. I just asked him if he thought I chat excessively and whether its to the point where I’m rude. Or too much chatting in one go. So he said  you know I’m guilty of that too. Lonely people do that. They get so happy theyre chatting with someone and communicating that they do tend to be a little overexcessive with the chatting. So then I honestly felt better because even though he didn’t deny it I felt like I jsut didnt realize I was doing it and its unconscious and natural human tendency. It’s just the way I am. I proceeded to ask my mom the same question. She agreed with Gojira and said yeah that and also I think because of your ADD (attention deficit disorder) you don’t realize that others are chatting/talking until you’re finished. So if this is the way I am. I will work on it. But I don’t feel like the way it was put across to me was anyway nice. It was polite yes. but not nice. and though I am not so childish to cut off strings for silly reasons like this it will take me time to come back to where I was in the friendship. so no I have not removed them from my friends list or chat list.. I just dont go online as much as I used to or feel inclined to chat anymore and will be taking my time to deal with my issue.  And no I will not usertag the person either to let everyone know who I have issues with. Because that’s just rude too. This light is turned off…

Currently listening to
Re-Traced
By Cynic