I find that as days go on I am relying more and more on food and shopping as my comfort. I’m trying so hard to have both not get out of hand but I feel that having that as a problem is 10 times better than turning to cigarettes. My newfound love is the Forever 21 store and I’m so happy that there is one not even 5 minutes away from my house. I have unconsciously made trips there at least once a week if not more. There’s a young oriental guy who works there and somehow he always says hi to me. I’d like to think he has a crush on me. Is it wrong to want attention from another guy when your married? When you’re trying to work on your marriage? It’s not like I want a relationship with him but I won’t lie when I say it’s the highlight of my day when he notices me. I know its their job to say how are you doing and if we are finding everything okay while shopping but It still makes me happy inside whenever he comes up to me and I catch his eye.. After all the unhappiness I’ve been dealing with the past few months I think yes, that’s a guilty pleasure I can live with.
Never Alone by *cooledition on deviantART
The whole month of July since the incident between Gojira and I has been an emotional rollercoaster and it continues to be now that we have fallen into August. (We have been living separately and seeking counseling after a domestic violence incident.) I’m trying so hard to be focused and clear headed but its very hard to deal with everyone else’s emotions and reactions surrounding me. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.. being alone and depressed or being surrounded by family and stressed.. its a lot of juggling i have to do but i know they all mean well and care very much for me. Now with 3 or 4 sessions of therapy in my backpocket i really really have found the confidence to actually speak out and talk about my problems and issues I’ve had buried for years and years. It has opened my eyes to my tendencies and why I have habits and have behaved in certain ways over the years. It has also helped me gain different perspectives on the situation that I had not considered before. I’m not ashamed anymore taking my friends into confidence and telling them about the situation and it has really helped me feel comforted and assured. I’m hoping that I can move forward from this episode with grace and that I have no more pitfalls to encounter. I know he loves me and I love him. But if you’re old enough you will realize. Love just isn’t enough.. you have to respect each other and look at it from a logical point of view. If it’s just not working u have to stop ramming your head into the wall.. because then you the only sane person left will stop functioning too.. i guess thats a gross way of looking at it :/ but I’m just hoping Gojira can lift himself from the muck and be a better man for himself, then for me and in turn I can also work on my confidence and happiness through the sessions I’ve been having with my counselor.. sigh.. wish life was a lot more easier..
Sounds like a lot has been happening since I’ve found my way over here. Domestic violence incident?? :\
I know we’re not really as close as we were on Xa, or at all for that matter, but hey, if you need to someone to talk to, you can find me here, or there.
Yeah a lot has been happening… thanks for the comforting words.. i guess because ive been so busy havent kept my blog up to date and now that i feel so alone and helpless i am using my blog to vent and pour out my pain.. sometimes i think i abuse my blog.. dont always keep regular but depend on it when i feel alone and sad.. but i guess ive used it for my happier moments too.. i just wish i was more regular.. i dont think ive signed in on xanga for the past 6 months at least if not more.. i kind of feel like it keeps me stagnant.. i feel happy for the popular xangans but its like same shit different day honestly.. ok that is my bitter cynical version of it.. i like xanga too.. just not lately.. i feel like it needs to be refreshed and rejuvenated with a more adult appeal.. feels like middle school. haha.. once again thanks for reaching out to me.. i visited ur wordpress. was disappointed to find no new updates since ur new years post.. im honestly interested in finding out if mysterious macho man is still serenading to the vixen he finally won over.. to be continued adventures happening or are we on a new story altogether ;) ok read between the lines im not crazy.. just enjoyed reading ur life experiences.. anywho enough of me rambling.. i will visit ur xanga soon.. hoping that is up to date tc.. soon will be commenting at a post near you <3
Hey abuse the blog if you have to, that’s what it’s for! Fill it with everything that you can’t otherwise get out!
Which is something I need to do more of myself. I haven’t been updating too much of anything lately. My xanga is up to date, well, more up to date than my wordpress. Never really got off the ground with it. I dunno, blogging in general seems to be at a hold for me. I can’t say I’m overly busy or anything I just cant’ find it within me to put things down the way I used to. I myself seem to be turning stagnant. I need change. I need something TO write about. In general though, things are good, the lady and I are good, we’ll be together 9months on the 10th of September. Can’t believe it’s been so long.
But I hope you are well. Hoping I can get back to my regular blogging routine, or at least put something down worth writing about as well.
~M
It’s been a while..
I’m really sorry to hear all the things that are going on, but don’t think you’re alone.
Email me anytime, I’d like to catch up when you can!
Until then this light is turned off :P
hey GD, thanks for checking up on me.. very sweet of you.. how are things with you? yeah its been too long since we last bumped into each other.. unfortunate that this time its over some disappointing circumstances.. hoping to fill in the blanks for u soon…. super stressed out right now.. but im trying to cope the best i can.. been seeing a counselor once a week.. its helped relieve some stress but the last week or so has been bad cuz shes been on vacation.. :/ sigh sigh.. hoping to catch u online soon.. tc