the hummingbird…

my life right now feels like i am a hummingbird holding on for dear life, caught in the jaws of a cat… as he plays with me throwing me in the air, damaging my delicate feather light wings, swiping me with its paws and throwing me in the air, only to pounce on me as i fall thudding onto the cold hard concrete… the feathers in my wings in disarray with many fallen to the ground… sparkling in the sunlight like shards of broken glass…with the short bursts of strength remaining i try to fly to my escape.. but falling just short of freedom swatted to the ground, a smack of reality as i realize i only can flitter close to the ground and will never escape my captor. my heart throbs and practically leaps out of my chest as it dawns on me that i will never escape the clutches of this demonic cat.. he will torture me and play with me and use me till he gets bored and finally eats me. and then forgets me as if i never existed…

painful.. patience..

I find that as days go on I am relying more and more on food and shopping as my comfort. I’m trying so hard to have both not get out of hand but I feel that having that as a problem is 10 times better than turning to cigarettes. My newfound love is the Forever 21 store and I’m so happy that there is one not even 5 minutes away from my house. I have unconsciously made trips there at least once a week if not more. There’s a young oriental guy who works there and somehow he always says hi to me. I’d like to think he has a crush on me. Is it wrong to want attention from another guy when your married? When you’re trying to work on your marriage? It’s not like I want a relationship with him but I won’t lie when I say it’s the highlight of my day when he notices me. I know its their job to say how are you doing and if we are finding everything okay while shopping but It still makes me happy inside  whenever he comes up to me and I catch his eye..  After all the unhappiness I’ve been dealing with the past few months I think yes, that’s a guilty pleasure I can live with.

Never Alone by *cooledition on deviantART

The whole month of July since the incident between Gojira and I has been an emotional rollercoaster and it continues to be now that we have fallen into August. (We have been living separately and seeking counseling after a domestic violence incident.) I’m trying so hard to be focused and clear headed but its very hard to deal with everyone else’s emotions and reactions surrounding me. I honestly don’t know what’s worse.. being alone and depressed or being surrounded by family and stressed.. its a lot of juggling i have to do but i know they all mean well and care very much for me. Now with 3 or 4 sessions of therapy in my backpocket i really really have found the confidence to actually speak out and talk about my problems and issues I’ve had buried for years and years. It has opened my eyes to my tendencies and why I have habits and have behaved in certain ways over the years. It has also helped me gain different perspectives on the situation that I had not considered before.  I’m not ashamed anymore taking my friends into confidence and telling them about the situation and it has really helped me feel comforted and assured. I’m hoping that I can move forward from this episode with grace and that I have no more pitfalls to encounter. I know he loves me and I love him. But if you’re old enough you will realize. Love just isn’t enough.. you have to respect each other and look at it from a logical point of view. If it’s just not working u have to stop ramming your head into the wall.. because then you the only sane person left will stop functioning too.. i guess thats a gross way of looking at it :/ but I’m just hoping Gojira can lift himself from the muck and be a better man for himself, then for me and in turn I can also work on my confidence and happiness through the sessions I’ve been having with my counselor.. sigh.. wish life was a lot more easier..