desolate

I’m honestly in a blah mood.. yeah i know what’s new..  but I can’t help it.. maybe its partially the fault of this rainy gloomy weather.. i just can’t help but think im slowly losing a grip over my optimism.. i donno how to deal with my own pessimism and mood swings let alone gojira’s. i hate my life right now.. i hate being alone.. i hate feeling like im doing this on my own… i wasn’t going to blog cuz i was in such a bad mood maybe more cuz gojira didn’t come online to chat with me when he usually does and it was a short snappy conversation before i went to bed last night.. ive stopped trying to figure out whether its cuz he’s mad at me for the trillionth time or just busy having a peaceful evening. if i ask i get yelled at. so ive decided to just forget asking anyone anything.  thought twice and said maybe continuing to blog is my only hope of sorting through my issues..  i pray hoping for some relief from the stress and that the outcome will be positive but i honestly am not going to know till i get there. I’ve been so depressed I didn’t even work out this weekend.. I usually wait for the chance to work out but even that I’ve sort of neglected again and stopped caring about. I’m going to try and start again today but who knows. Tomorrow will make it 10 more days till November. I’m not even looking forward to my vacation in November I am just really confused and scared right now. Yes Tahiti one of mankind’s heavens on earth.. but is it really going to be that enjoyable when my family who I can’t get along with are with me.. is it going to a week of hell or  a week of peace… god only knows.. ill be sure to carry plenty of books so i dont have to be as social. when i’m social with them that’s where my problems begin. I’m not going to expect anything. then only do i have the hopes of having a decent vacation. when u expect something that’s when u experience disappointment. So far my trips to Las Vegas, Kenya, sucked because of the clashes I had with my family. Egypt they made me cry on the cruise ship and my dad started yelling at me more for crying in front of everyone. Cancun was alright but again things were said about how I’m this or that.. I feel bullied by my family and it scares me to be in close proximity with them.. They’re nice to me in very short phases.. so its hard to trust them and relax even when they are behaving and nice towards me. Everyday on Facebook I see people getting engaged, married, having babies, enjoying pregnancy, and I feel so passionately envious. I know it sounds so ugly and mean of me to say.. I do wish all of them the very very best but I feel bad that I’m not doing those things yet. When will my turn come? How long is it going to take till I get to sing about my happiness and be in a perpetual bliss?.. sigh..This light is turned off..

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