Everyone these days is wondering whats wrong with me and if everything’s ok with me. For the record, Im surviving. I’m just feeling cornered by life and I tend to just be alone when i get to that point. I’m feeling a lot of pressure right now. Baba doesn’t understand this but I tend to hole myself up even though I’m here in P with family because I feel pressure letting everyone know whats going on in my life. Even B tai who I go to for everything I havent had any guts to talk to in over a month. I feel like every time i talk to my family I’m supposed to talk about how something miraculous has happened in my life when it’s actually downright shitty or not going my way. Even with my parents I don’t like complaining or telling them my grievances about life because I know they both get concerned. I like to avoid dumping my problems on anyone. I’m trying so hard to push myself to do the best I can and be happy but sometimes its downright difficult. I havent gone to the counselor actually in over a month so in a way I’m happy because I’m trying to learn how not to depend on him. I don’t have the time to go these days and I feel more burdened by going to him. These days when I get a spare moment I read this book which has given me great relief. Its called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L Haye. Check it out if you have some time at the library or something, its given me a lot of relief and a sense of calmness about issues that would have initially made me feel hysterical. honestly the most pressure I’m getting is at work. I’ve worked at C for over a year and I’ve put down my papers. I’ve put my papers down for three reasons. I am currently serving my one month notice and I don’t mind scrounging for the next three months till I find a better job but I want my dignity intact. (honestly, I can get a job within the next day at another workplace if I really am desperate for money but I have enough savings for now, I have two paychecks coming from C which is for last month and this month. and I also want to look for the best offer for me with the best incentives.) I have been after C because they are not living up to their word. When they hired me they had promised me after 6 months of joining I would get a designation in communication which is where I can really be an asset to this company since its a US process. I have been in this company for over a year now and they are still not living up to their promise. The second reason is that they offered me the chance to move to a slightly different process CF for Canada. It was a simpler process but they expected tenure agents like us to help the new pilot batch flourish by helping the new agents understand what is expected regarding performance. They said i could get any designation I wanted if I proved myself in this new process for six months. After giving me this opportunity and even going to the point of telling me when exactly I would start my training for the new process, they suddenly next day decided to change their mind about putting me in the process and gave the opportunity to someone else. They gave me no reasoning as to why they suddenly changed their minds and I wasnt even officially informed. . I began to question the system and procedure of the management. There were two others who went through the same unfortunate experience that I did, where they were offered the chance to move to a new process and without reason suddenly it was taken back. C is supposed to give an equal chance to everyone when theres a job opening but there is a lot of favoritism happening in the system where the position is given to a person who is a favorite as opposed to who is most qualified. The last reason which was the last straw for me was when my team leader my immediate boss turned against me. There was a girl in my team who posted in our team chatroom a comment about a customer. she said “that American bitch” and when I went to my team leader to tell her I felt it was inappropriate for the workplace chatroom and not mention discriminatory… she said if I had a problem with it then it was my problem and not hers. When you work hard for someone and you are not respected and taken for granted its a very low experience to feel. Last time I had a job switch which was over a year ago, A Kaka passed a comment that he thought I must have been fired from my last job. That made me feel so bad that he could just assume that without even asking me why I changed jobs. Thats one of the reasons inspite of Baba telling me to talk to Kaka about my jobs and decisions I really don’t feel inclined to. I’m looking at two other offers at companies nearby. I’ve forwarded my resume and I should be expecting interviews next week sometime… Other than my career and my job nothing much going on. I feel the pressure and tension mount the only thing I can think of is lighting up a cigarette to get a release from the pressure. I can’t think of anything better to replace that bad habit when things are not going my way. Anyways this is basically all that im dealing with at the moment. Im trying my best to make my life work for me in a peaceful happy normal manner. Im going to try making a trip to the US to visit next year. I want to check out my parents new house now that theyve moved to Cali. anyways i think this is enough for now. I need to catch some rest. This light is turned off…
Currently Listening to
I Don’t Want You Back
By Eamon
